If I'm Crazy, You're stupid!

It’s always the way with love. It never comes around when you want it to, you only ever find someone when your not expecting to & you’re never prepared.
Before Elisa came along I tried dating . I wasn’t picky, I didn’t ask for much I just wanted to find a normal quiet girl you know?
I’ve only ever been in serious relationships, only two infact. Both didn’t end well, my track record isn’t exactly a standard I should aim for in the future.
Don’t get me wrong I really cared for them but they were nuts! 
I don’t know if it’s me or the way I love, but I always seem to attract woman that always have deep traumatic emotional problems.
Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned there. 

I find that with dating also, of course dating is all online now.
 if social media has taught us anything it’s that people LOVE to Bragg about everything even their dinner.
Social life has quickly become nothing more than likes & smiley faces.
Even tho I’m being a little sarcastic here there is a sad truth to that really.
 Online Dating is bloody hilarious when you actually sit back & think about it, these sites ask you to sign up & pay a monthly membership to talk to woman.
A membership every month just to TALK to other people, I mean could you imagine having to pay to talk to someone in a bar or the street?  sounds crazy right? I guess it’s this kind of logic that makes me struggle to understand dating sites.
To honest it’s Market for loneliness. people at home alone desperately seeking some comfort I suppose.
One things for sure they do a great hob of separating the working class from the upper class places like “E Harmony”, “Match.com” & of course right down the bottom of the list POF
Or “Plenty Of Fish” it’s official title ( most people prefer plenty of pish).
I did sign up to plenty of fish,
Yes I know I just gave a big speech about how dating sites are horrible & all that but a man has needs give me a break.
In order to create an opinion of something you must first experience it & i learn fast.
As I said I was trying to date & socialise more before I met Elisa.
I thought it would also help me get to know people in “Sunny Fife” 
I will say that I was a little shocked when I joined.
. As I looked through endless pictures & profiles there was a trend forming in nearly every picture the woman was either “pouting” like a trout or standing in a group of friends and in nearly every Bio was a titled saying “not interested in a Fuck buddie”
I mean I know men can be a little sex driven sometimes but come on, there are decent fellas out there, we’re not all the same! 
It really bugged me to the point were I wrote the most sarcastic Bio that I could.
I mean “pouting” do woman think this is attractive!? News flash ladies it’s not, you look like a fish!. It’s like someone hit you in the face with a shovel then quickly took a picture!
A lot of the guys look like idiots too, not that I was checking them out or anything...
Seriously tho they are as bad as Donald Trump some are even worse, there dosing is the colour of my carpet, I love to get a good go at their face with some vanish. Do guys really wear leggings now? It’s hilarious.
Maybe it’s me maybe I’m just to old fashioned.

I started wondering maybe this is one of those tests that woman do, put up an awful picture to test us, I thought maybe we get brownie points for being prepared to look past an awful photo!?
The group photos bothered me to, if you’re on a dating site looking for a man but and all you have is 5 pictures of you in a group then I’m sorry to sound like a dick but how in the fuck am I supposed to know which one you are?
One can learn a lot from online dating, it really taps into the madness of modern times, it took me a week of Trying to talk to people before I got a reply. 
The problem is choice woman start talking to you & you respond in a very respectful way to give them a sense that your interested, you ask questions about their work or family all is going well they text back with some kisses then you could ask something simple about their hobbies or why they decided to try online dating & just like that you are blocked!
Eventually I did start talking to someone & she seemed nice, very bubbly & kind we must have talked for a few weeks it was all very casual until one night she wanted to meet, so I asked her round for a drink, i wasn’t trying to get her drunk or anything but if it went that way then who am I to to stand in the way of human nature if you know what I mean?..
So she came round to my flat the night in question, she called me when she was downstairs. I’ll be honest I was excited she seemed really nice.
As I opened the main door she climbed out of the taxi & everything was fine, from a start she wasn’t actually a man..
She was nice looked exactly like her pictures there was no cause for concern that is until she opened her mouth.
She took one look at the apartment building & starting shouting “THIS IS A LOVELY APARTMENT BUILDING, DO YOU LIVE HERE!? 
It was like she had headphones in her ears and was talking REALLY loud but didn’t realise it. If only that was the case.
By that time the taxi had drove off and I couldn’t exactly leave her in the street so I invited her in but straight from the off there was something not quite right about this girl.
We climbed the stairs to my flat & all of a sudden she started doing that loud voice again “OMG (she actually said O.M.G ) THIS IS A LOVELY HALLWAY” 
She quickly starts dramatically sniffing loudly with her nose “IT’S SMELLS.. IT SMELLS OF LEMON”
I didn’t know what to say, I thought to myself what the fuck!? Are you a ganitor!? Do you clean hallways for a living? Jaysus. 
I rushed her up the stairs muttering to myself in panic, I didn’t want the neighbours to see her.
Finally we got to my flat & i needed a drink I sent her into the living room & i went to the kitchen, being the gentleman that I am I bought her a bottle of wine .
So far id given this girl the benifit of the doubt based on out conversations. I figured it was down to nerves... I wish..
I poured myself a beer then made my way to to the living room
When I got there I simply had no words for what this girl was doing , after just meeting this girl for the first time here she was 10 mins bent over the coffee table !
Some of you may be reading this thinking thats a result Michael! 
No.. its really not because she wasn’t bent over saying take me now mister Irish man,
 quite the opposite actually her she was fully clothed over the table with her face in a pile of COCAINE! 
I just happened to walk in as she as  was mid sniff!
I had nothing I stood in the doorway completely frozen speechless as she jumped to her feet like someone possessed.
She instantly made herself at home, grabbed my sky remote & turned on MTV dance with the volume up full, then starts dancing like a maniac right there in  middle of my living room whilst making drum & bass sounds with her mouth.
I’m looking on stunned, she proceeds to having a conversation in her usual tone!
“MICHAEL THIS IS A LOVELY FLAT ( she’s pauses to make drum noises) DO YOU LIVE HERE”!?
Her hands out in the air as she reaches for the stars.
“IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR DAUGHTER!? (More drum noises)
I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET HER!”
Now I like a it of “craic” as much as the next guy but Fuck me I’m not exactly the type to have the craic  & then stick  it up my snout.
 I’ve seen some crazy stuff but this was a whole new level of weird.
I had only know this girl for 20 Mins!
Eventually her buzz starts wearing off.
She sits down beside me on the sofa & leans in for a kiss..
As her head comes forward mine moves back, I mean REALLY!?
Not that she wasn’t attractive but I think I needed to take a breath first.
Just then she has what I can only describe as a dramatic epiphany she realises she’s done something wrong.
She gets very serious,  looks me dead in the eye as says 
“Michael I’m so so sorry, I such an asshole please forgive me I’m not normally so selfish,
I’m really sorry I never offered you some cocaine”....

What!?
That’s not the problem here!
What ever happened to just meeting a girl & having a normal date? 
Maybe getting lucky or just enjoying each others company!?
Not hello My names Ashling & I’m a fucking drug addict!
She then tells me that she was at a party before coming to me & for a laugh not only did she steal a bag of coke from her dealer but she also told him where she was going!
Look Scarface was a great movie but I’m pretty sure Tony Montana was a CRIMINAL.
I couldn’t help but think of that scene from breaking bad (season two I think) where Walter White goes to get his drugs back & ends up killing everybody.

It was a very strange time in my life & despite all the madness it was desperate times.. after all she was a woman, i was a man here we both were having a drink.
 it’s not like I had woman lining up to date me.
I figured I’d see where the night went.
If anything it’s great comedy material.
I could forgive everything that happened up until that but when she told me she it was her “time of the month”
 she was out the door faster than most guys orgasim...