If I'm Crazy, You're stupid! - An So It Begins

6am on Wednesday 4th February 2015
I was assertively woken up by the day Officer.
Thank Fuck it wasn’t the guy the woke me an hour ago not to mention every hour throughout the night because I’d have given him a piece of my mind.
It was time to get “washed for court”
It was like your mum telling you to get ready for school but with a few major differences of course.
Instead of a bathroom there was a single sink at the end of the hallway outside my cell 
The water was freezing cold with nothing but a half used bar of soap.
There was no towel either only disposable paper the kind you find in a public toilet, they call it “blue roll” in the food industry.
I’m not a snob or anything but I wouldn’t wipe my arse with the stuff never mind try to wash my body with it.
The least they could do was let us have access to a shower even hot water at a stretch.
I mean id been wearing the same close for 30 hours, I looked like crap my hair was greasy & i hadn’t brushed my teeth.
I was given a bowl of soggy cornflakes & a cup of dis coloured tea and sent back to my cell I felt even more dirty than I did if that’s even possible.
It was like the cops wanted us to look bad in court.
Not long after that I was once again being handcuffed & shoved into a van only this time it was bigger, filled with various individual cells meant for transporting prisoners, these things were no bigger than a small wardrobe.
As the police went through their procedures handing us over to a private security company I quickly realised the difference, they were cool nothing like the cops just regular fellas trying to do a job one of them even gave me a smoke! Even to this day I struggle to find the words to describe that cigarette, it was pure bliss!
Like the first time I ever had a smoke my head was light & i felt an overwhelming buzz as I hogged on the butt so hard it was wrinkled.
That was a fine moment.
Suddenly I could hear the other detainees boarding the Van, I know there was at least three as I could here them communicating in the cells all night they were trying to start fights with the on duty officers by shouting abuse & kicking the cell doors.
The kind of thing most people would expect really.
As it turned out there was actually 8 of us including myself, I guess I didn’t take into account the quiet fellas. Maybe there was a few of them in my situation?
As the van started moving I could hear a few of the loud mouths starting your Bragg about what they were in for
“aye the Bastards got me at my hens (womans) hoousse  (house) But I managed to knock one of the cunts out before they got me”
It was clear to me very quickly that I wasn’t anything like these people, I mean what’s there to Bragg about?
I couldn’t help but ask myself yet again how the hell id ended up here!?
It’s was just after 8am when we got to the court house, I had never been in this situation before so I didn’t know what to expect.
It took another 45 mins for us the guards to do their procedures & unload the van.
We were taken through the back door of the building down to the basement & handed over to the Court Officers, no surprise what was awaiting us.. more cells.
They weren’t as bad as the police station they were more spacious & open meant to hold numerous people at once with an open view.
There was no steal door with only a peep hole to see through, no horrible mattress on the floor & more importantly no stinking toilet in sight.
Directly across the hallway was a staircase that lead right to the court room above, only this staircase went straight to the “Dock” as it’s known.
Before we know it we were all in the cell & there was a real tension in the air everyone eyeballing each other like animals trying to figure out their place in a new environment.
I wasn’t there more than 15mins when I was called to the interview room to speak to my solicitor, I was so overwhelmed  by everything that I didn’t even think about a solicitor so it was a good thing one was provided for me.
It was very surreal we had to talk in a booth through glass. I wasn’t expecting that.
To be honest she was a typical solicitor by that I mean she was a dick, no empathy at all she was very direct & to the point, when I tried to describe how I was feeling she just shut me down.
“I’m not a therapist Mr Porter, I’m your legal counsel, I have no interest in your feelings, I suggest you take that up with your doctor when you get out , which will happen at some point today!”
I know she was probably busy but I didn’t know anyone in Scotland and to the way I seen it a little bit of understanding wouldn’t have taken much effort, I’m human after all not a fucking robot.
But at least I was getting to go home. I was starting to worry up until that.
She explained to me that court didn’t start until 10 & that she didn’t know exactly when I’d be seen it could be lunchtime or late afternoon.
Before I was escorted back to the cell she told me that if I plead guilty this would all end today, there would be no need for a court date to be set, I’d get a fine & maybe some community service but it would be done.
I couldn’t believe the fucking brass neck on her! I firmly reminded her that I had done nothing wrong, well nothing to justify this kind of action.
If I was guilty then I would have admitted it but I wasn’t.
Besides if I was convicted it would go in the papers, I’d have a record. I explained that the mother of my daughter has always tried to stop me being a father if this got out she would have everything she needed to make that happen.
Do people not have morals, principles anymore?
When I got back to the cell everyone seemed a lot more relaxed the guards had brought in sandwiches, biscuits & fresh coffee.
I’m a big coffee drinker but I’ve never went so long without one I can tell you that coffee was like taking speed I was buzzing for an hour after that.
The other guys were talking about what was going to happen all of a sudden they seemed to have masters degrees in law, we would all be fine depending on what judge we had apparently.
One of the guys had found out it was “Mc Cherry”
He turned to the rest of us looking very concerned “we’re all fucked lads Mc Cherry is a hard ass, he’s all about teaching people a lesson”
If I’m honest it freaked me out a bit but I already knew I was getting out on bail, I also knew that this was only the start.
After we all finished eating it was very relaxed, I almost forgot I was locked up with criminals they started doing the rounds telling the story of why they were arrested.
The one that stick out for me was the first fella. He had committed armed Robbery & was on the run for 5 years. At first I thought he was just showing off but the more I listened I knew it was true .
He was caught in his girlfriends house after the police received an anonymous tip.
They set up a sting operation to catch him of guard, he had a 8yr old son that just happened to be at home when the police busted the door in.
As much as he had done something horrible I couldn’t help but see past his swagger, I could tell that disappointing his son like that was something he would have to live with for the rest of his life.
I remember thinking that I hope this helps him understand the consequences of his actions, I’d like to think that regardless of what happened next maybe this would be the turning point in his life.
I’ll never forget how white his face was when they brought him down from the dock after receiving a 10 year sentence.
I was heartbroken for his son.
We all do stupid things but we are all still only human.
There were a few fellas there for unpaid fines & another for no insurance, not so serious but there was one guy he was in for assault he put his girlfriend in the hospital beat her up really bad, that didn’t sit very well with me specially given my situation.
Can you believe he got off with community service!?
And that’s not the best part, I’ve seen him around town a few times since WITH THE SAME WOMAN!? 
I mean what the Fuck is wrong with people!?
Finally it was my turn , you can imagine that.
I said well guys, I’m the worst here, I’m a beast! You think armed Robbery is bad you you ain’t lived until you’ve kicked a coffee table!...
Suddenly there was a dead silence everyone looked at each other.
I thought I’d said something wrong, maybe they were on to me they knew beyond my cool exterior I was really shitting myself?
I was about to say something then suddenly there was this roar of laughter.
“you mean to tell us that you have spent nearly two days locked up for kicking a coffee table!?”
Yeah but it’s serious man, my bail conditions are going to state that I don’t go within 100 yards of an Ikea.
Can’t be having anymore Crimes on coffee tables, can we?
As a comedian I think that’s the best laugh I’ve ever got, the security guards were standing listening & even they couldn’t contain themselves.
It gave us all a little relief I think.
After a long day of waiting around my time to go up was fast approaching . There was no one left . The robber was in another cell & everyone else had made bail. I was there on my own for Three hours! It was approaching 6PM and I just wanted to go home.
I was informed by one of the guards that because I was from Northern Ireland they had do trace all my paperwork which meant I had to wait longer.
It was 6.45 before I was in front of the judge I had hoped maybe Elisa would have realised she was wrong & been there but as I looked around the room it was empty, I was the last to be seen, It was still very surreal, the judge was talking but I couldn’t make out anything he was saying they asked me 
“How do you plead” but I was completely blown away by it all I didn’t here them. The guard sitting next to me on the other side of the cuff had to nudge me before I promptly said not guilty .
The judge banged his hammer & that was it.
It all felt a bit like an anti climax really I mean I should have been happy. 15 mins later I was outside feeling the air on my face I smoked 4 cigarettes in a row with a decent latte from a cafe but for the life of me I just couldn’t get my head around it.
I was on the train home thinking about what I would say to Elisa I mean she didn’t know anyone in Scotland we we’re all either of us had apart from Haylie.
The thing about an experience like this is in the way people treat you or look down on you, you’ve been arrested and charged so you must be a criminal it’s like they are conditioning you to have no belief or faith in yourself whatsoever and to be honest I very nearly let myself believe I was a bad guy.
When I got home the house was empty, I searched through the wardrobe & all Elisa’s clothes were gone so to was the picture she kept of her mum. She wouldn’t go anywhere without it.
There was no sign of the cat being fed either. There was nothing no note, txt, Facebook message or email.
It was like she didn’t exist she just disappeared.
I thought that the reality had sank in when I was locked up but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The worry of not knowing were Elisa had went completely consumed me then 10 mins after I got home the police came out knocking at my door again.
When I seen them I started sobbing like a baby I begged them not to lock me up again.
The said they were looking for Elisa!
The fucking balls on these cunts! 
They put me through hell & then follow me home to speak to someone that they had more information about than me! I’m proud to say I slammed to door in there face after accusing them of harassment.
I don’t mean to sound like a Pretentious or arrogant person because I’m not I just believe that injustice is wrong & there should be no place for it in the world.
Of course the bad news kept coming, there was 15 missed calls from my boss when he finally answered the phone he told me I was no longer an employee, I tried to make up excuses but I basically ended up telling him the truth as much as he was  sympathetic to the situation I was still officially unemployed.
I guess that was when the real reality sank in.